The Cheese Who Stole My Walking Stick
by hewhopartakesofcheese
Summary: White cheddar becomes fascinated with an old man's walking stick who, conveniently has the name of Luke. The cheese stole the staff of immense power and goes into the future landing in the hands of the Confederation and of the Sith. Darth Cheddar, replacing Darth Sidious' old apprentice, Anakin Skywalker becomes one with a pastry. A most delicious union indeed. T for certain deaths
1. He Who Is Not Skywalker

**THE CHEESE WHO STOLE MY WALKING STICK**

High upon the snowy peaks of the mountain I sat. With my walking staff laid beside me I meditated in the serene atmosphere of the chilly early winter day feeling most calm. Snowflakes gently glided past me, I felt them slowly melt on my warm skin which sent a quick shiver down my spine when they touched the nape of my neck. They tangled themselves in the knot of hair on my chin which with my faltering pride, I call a beard. It was white, white as the snow, telling me how old I was. Which I absolutely did not want to be reminded of _that_.

People in their dire need often came to me, seeking my advice. I was, presumably their so called "old wise man on a mountain." Old, I desired to concur. But wise, that is very true. _Heh_. I can often tell when they climb my mountain, I hear their labored breaths and their thoughts are oh so loud, ranting on and on about their aching limbs. And at last, when they do finally reach me, they are too flustered to ask their question. I merely smile and wait for them to catch their breath.

But there was one I could never hear nor see climbing up my mountain. It was the CHEESE. Tricky and sly little thing. Never could I detect it, this made me wince with a slight anger. I retained my ground with very little effort. I would not let something that came out of a cow's utter discourage me or lest say outwit me. _Ha_, impossible!

When it only had remained a few feet away from me I could smell it with my crooked nose. I despised it. It was..._white cheddar_...

It stood before me, most proud for my eyes to behold. I did not like this, a deep loathing boiled inside me, but I managed to conceal it from escaping outside my withered heart. With so it questioned me, as I knew it would. But the question it asked of me, never had I heard before. The cheese inquired of me this:

"May I see your walking stick?"

I was completely astounded. M-my staff? What could he possibly want of it? Perhaps he knows of its power, how, with the stick, I am able to peer into the thoughts and hearts of men. And the power it wields for me to answer the questions they bestow me. How it has the power for me to bring doom upon the world and souls in it! I could rule! No, I would not let white cheddar take my future doom! With so, I responded according to the matter. I stated, "No."

The cheese seemed most displeased.

"Why not?" It had protested to me. It knew! It knew of the doom! It knew of the doom I say! It knew! I started to become nervous, a feeling I almost never felt...except that time I went to Vegas, BUT THAT DOES NOT COUNT! No, no, no, no, no, I simply would not let white cheddar to mess with my mind. For I am the one who does such trickery. Perhaps I had exposed my worry for the cheese gave me a seemingly wicked grin. A most vile, revolting evil smile that had turned me a ghostly pale. I felt all the blood drain from my face and upon my tongue was a tart sensation. What was this? This feeling of...fear...? I could not read the cheese's inner most thoughts, so I was blind and most of all vulnerable.

I then gently pulled the wooden staff off its snowy seat beside me, and hugged a small portion of it tightly against my chest (because it was so unbearably long) like a newborn child. "For many reasons," I declined once more. The cheese could see my sudden change in emotion, with so it slowly morphed it's tone into being pleasant, unlike its rashness before. Like waves of flowing milk and honey it said graciously, "I won't because it seems so…important…it must be, because you have old limbs, and with your stale bones they request support. Is this not simply the reason of owning such a stick? For a cripple as you?"

"Yes," I most quickly replied to white cheddar. "Most certainly." Although I could move with ease and my bones had not yet gone stale like old bread, I decided not to share this with the cheese. White cheddar gave me a smile yet again, but it had no wickedness or ferocity. It was a taunting smile, meaning it probably knew something I did not. I did not like the cheese's new smile. I would have it rather smile its other menacing smile as it had previously. It was going to destroy my hopes of future doom. A snarl started to curl in my dry lips but I bit it back, I would certainly not let the cheese win. For I am wisdom, and this thing, standing before me complimented cheap wine. _Bah!_

Slyly, I attempted to ward off the cheese, "I know of a wood that does not lie too far of here. Retrieve me the maroon colored tail of a young fox, one without a splash of any color to damage such a beauty of crimson and then you may hold my staff." White cheddar seemed pleased with the challenge and quickly whisked away, running off to the horizon.

_Haha!_ Fool of a cheese! I tricked it oh so cleverly. For there was neither a forest, nor a fox that lived in these mountains! I gently placed my staff next to me, in its same position as before, almost looking to be never touched in its peace. I knew the cheese would get lost in the tangles of the mountain. It should not return. With so I entrusted the snow, now to hold my most sacred possession.

While I was indulging in my victory, I had heard something, the faint snapping of a twig above my head. I turned around, an eyebrow raised most curiously. A sudden loud cry of war erupted my dusty eardrums and rang throughout the mountain and its valleys. It was the cheese! It launched itself from a perch high above, leaping out into the open air, tackling me. I was forced down upon my stomach, my face colliding with the snow. The cheese and I struggled and I rolled forward. I only stopped when my head was hanging over the cliff's edge and I saw the entire world upside down. The land and valleys in the distance were hanging above me, while the depths of the clouded blue sky below me. I looked up to find the cheese standing atop my chest, my long staff in its grasp.

Without my own consent I felt heard myself shriek in a loud, hoarse voice, "MY DOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

White cheddar began to laugh, a most treacherous and maniacal laugh, for it had won and it deserved to do so. "You cannot fool me with your trickery old coot! I know of the power in this staff and I have come to take it from you! _Mwahahahahaha!_ I will be, _THE KING CHEESE_!"

_"HIYAHHHHHHHH! NIYAHHHH!" _With one mighty blow, the cheese smacked me with my own stick and off I went, over the cliff and falling into the depths of darkness of the shadows on the mountains side. "My POWER!" I screamed, plummeting, "MY POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! " The last thing I saw was the cheese's twisted smile as it watched me fall to my death, then only darkness.

I awoke to find myself clutching on spacecraft before a deep tunnel with very few lights. I was wounded, I could feel it, but I also felt…_younger_… _much younger_…There was a man entirely clothed in black with gadgets of different colors upon his chest and a mask of black upon his face. His voice was very deep as he spoke, almost robotic as he proclaimed most evilly, "Luke, I am your father!"

Then he took off his mask and there before my eyes was none other than _WHITE CHEDDAR. _I cried out in a loud voice, most frightened, "No! That's impossible!"

Much unlike the cold voice it once used before, it was the cheese's high pitched voice saying, "Join me Luke! Or _die!" _And that was all I remembered of the cheese.

**-Intermission, Sort Of- **

_Mwahahahahaha! The cheese shall rule! Yes it shall indeed! The cheese has the force! With the force, nothing can stop the cheese! THE CHEESE IS COMING TO GET YOU LUKE! *imperial march plays*_

_*Clears throat* back to your regularly scheduled program now. *Imperial march ceases*_


	2. Luke Attempted Near Suicide

**-after both such confusing and startling INCONVENIENCES- **

Now then, where do I begin? Yes, oh that is correct! I was hanging upon the space craft the cheese (Darth Cheddar, of which I was soon to find out much later-) standing before me. I then suddenly fell, for the cheese had my staff and with one great swing, the cheese swung the great stick much like a sword. The stick was lit ablaze with an intense ravenous fire finely painted with a dark crimson. The staff cut through the spacecraft with ease and with the giant metallic structure, I fell once more as I had into the silhouettes of the mountains when the cheese smacked me with my own walking stick…how cruel…too cruel indeed…

I gave out a bloodcurdling scream as I descended from my once safe perch. Aside from my cries of sudden unanticipated certain deaths, I heard white cheddar cackling most wickedly in its high voice, "Bye, bye Lukey pie! _BWAHAHAHAHA_!"

I was sliding down a tunnel of bright lights, the same hue of the stars in the night sky at a blue dusk. The space craft with its heavy weight had fallen before me down into the pit of black nothingness below me, of which I was soon to encounter. And as I had predicted earlier, I reached it. The nothingness. The darkness. What? Is this the end you ask? No, no, no this is far from the conclusion I assure. How so? How did the cheese reach Anakin Skywalker's stature in only a matter of words? This is because of the future and of time travel. This is the aftermath of the walking stick. Power overwhelms the holder of the sturdy rod, this feeling of supreme invincibility I manage to control from many, many, many long years of consist mediation and collection of thoughts…

Let us rewind a bit, we have found ourselves trapped, locked in the intertwining masses of future and the present. As the cheese so discreetly struck me with my own staff, I descended into the darkness of the surrounding landscape. Or did I? Once the cheese was sure I was no longer enabled to retrieve what was rightfully mine, it, using the walking stick opened a vortex and jumped dimensions into the future. Into the future was its destination, which it reached oh so accurately. It landed right into the hands of the Confederation and of the sith. Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo was deceased and Chancellor Palpatine had been elected by the senate to rule the Republic. Of course, Chancellor Palpatine (or Emperor Palpatine) had been revealed to be, both truthfully and sadly, Darth Sidious, an evil sith lord. The Jedi were exterminated by his demands and Anakin Skywalker took the name,' Darth Vader', as his new apprentice soon after his recently passed on, Darth Maul, quelled by the hands of Obi Wan Kenobi. (What is it with this 'Darth' trend? Am I the only one who questions this?)

The cheese was fascinated by the power of the sith, with so the cheese sought out Darth Sidious. But before the cheese had, I escaped my near death. Without the immense power of my walking stick, I could perform justly. Opening the same dimension the cheese had, I fell through. I landed upon the balcony of a floating building. It was quite peculiar, most quite indeed. I grasped the only thing around me for support to lift my aging limbs. A potted plant, of course, what else?

As I dragged myself upward, my face met with the green and I spluttered and spat, making quite a din trying to remove the plant from my face, wicked things...Standing tall, I lumbered, muttering misdeeds upon the cheese under my breath. It was a dairy product! And it bested me! But no! Wait, it cannot get me a second time. Quickly scrambling, I ran inside the building I had landed upon. It was very odd and futuristic but of course, that was because I was in the future. Technology and wonders of the future were not my main concern right now. It was that blasted cheese!

Like a series of mazes I managed to find my way out of the building to only find that it was floating miles high above the surface of the earth in midair. _Fantastic_. How was I to leave? There was only one logical answer, which is to jump. Some may call me mad, but insane and a complete loony I may be. What I am not though is a blundering idiot. Mayhap I did not time my getaway precisely, but I succeeded. As I fell, the wind howling in my ears and billowing my loose clothes, I started my sudden descent to safety and not death. I then leisurely opened a pocket in a familiar dimension, such an evasive thing. But I had opened the wormhole a hair early. Unlucky _me_. I found myself crashing onto cold, paved stone five feet in the air. The only thing that truly mattered at that moment was that I lived. Lying flat, I then knelt and pressed my cracked, bleeding lips upon the ground, kissing the cold dusty stone several times. With so I celebrated my life for a full sixty seconds most gleeful jumping to my feet and throwing my hands into the open air exclaiming, "I am alive! I lived! I can live for another day once more! I-" coming to a screeching halt, my voice died out as I saw a crowd of onlookers swarming me. "Oh dear..."


	3. Palpatine's Janitors Need Time Off

**-Else where in the Galaxy-**

The cheese had miscalculated its projectile into the future, finding its self-spiraling into the stars, white cheddar crashed into a space ship much like a hurtling meteor. Breaking the surface of the glass, the cheese flew into the bowels of the spacecraft and would soon realize, right at the feet of Darth Sidious. From the immense power of white cheddar's impact, the cheese lay completely flat and stretched in a large circle accompanied by shards of glass in its dairy flesh. The hissing of space rushed through any one close enough ears' at the scene of the crime as well as sucking helpless bystanders into a gravity-less abyss. "_WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_-!" _Goodbye_!

"What the crippty crappity crap man?! I'ma flippin' baked potato pancake!" Exclaimed the cheese traumatically seeing its ruined state. Cackling at its own pun, white cheddar laughed then furiously started to cough uncontrollably. Only then did the cheese cease its hideous laughter. Feeling weak, the cheese tried to move but the pain was unbearable, with so it just lied there and waited for someone or something to pick it, feeling most lazy. Such a disgrace. Soon a claw-like hand had began lifting the flattened cheese to the light, there stood Darth Sidious, the cheese's hope to fulfillment of its villainous destiny. The old Sith Lord looked at the cheese with a curious glance, as if he was unsure of what his eyes were percieving. Then stating in a mystic, eerie tone, Palpatine said to white cheddar, "None has entered my ship in such a fashion..."

"Are you calling me, _special?" _the cheese inquired quizzically to the emperor. If white cheddar had an eyebrow, it would most likely be raised in its appalling sentence.

Palpatine gave a small laugh, his voice rather hoarse. To reassure the angry cheese, he replied, countering, "Yes, but not in _that_ way. No, no, dear cheese, I would not think of you as such. Why have you entered my ship and in such a _classy_ fashion?" The great window overlooking the stars white cheddar had mercilessly plummeted into had now been fixed by the measly, low self-esteemed workes the emperor had summoned for repair. With a wave of his hand, those that had been assigned the completed task were their merry way out, there was many a grumbling and curses laid upon the emperor under their stale breath.

"I wanna be a sith!" The cheese proclaimed vibrantly. The emperor gave a hearty laugh that almost turned into an evil one. "Sure..." The emperor began, "If you can kill my new apprentice, Darth Vader, I will teach you _everything_."

"_Everything_?" The cheese repeated in an questioningly awe. "Yes, _everything_," Palpatine confirmed with a smile and a quick nod to hide his laughter. He knew the cheese could not kill Anakin, he was much too strong. Besides, it would be a hilarious sight seeing the two of them kill each other.

"Okey dokey! Consider him dead, milord! Time to get down to business!" the cheese said before flinging itself out the window that was just fixed.

**-somewhere a little ways away-**

A mantience staff member threw his equipment to the ground and began screaming and stomping mercilessly. Then he remembered his anger management classes and began the process of being calmed. First he cleaned the mess he had made.

**-back to the _main_ event of the story-**

Gravity took its toll after the cheese flung itself out the window yet again. Flying in the stars the cheese cruised, waiting to fall back to the republic somehow. Then suddenly the weak gravity of the moon drew white cheddar in with a thin, invisible rope and pulled the cheese closer. The cheese now found itself orbiting the moon with small, other rocks.

"What are you looking at, pal?" The cheese demanded fiercely at a rock that orbited next to it then quickly began orbiting away. "That's what I thought!" The cheese called after the rock.

"This is just great..." White cheddar stated after seeing how far away it was from the republic. Then another inquiry came to the cheese. How was it going to kill a Sith?


	4. Attack on Anakin

Ooo kill'em!

**A/n- the cheese here! I have taken a few lines of some lyrics from one of my favorite songs and incorporated it in the story. In case your are interested, the song is called Fantasy by Earth, Wind, and Fire. But if you really think about it...what cheese would not love this song?**

**-a few days before-**

The room was dark, it was the day after Padamé's passing and Anakin awoke feeling strange. His body was now mechanical seeing as the foul traitor Obi wan left him to die by the flowing rivers of lava, set afire by his hatred. It hurt to breathe, it hurt oh so painfully. An odd sound commenced with each inhale and exhale. What was he? Was he even human anymore? Or was he just machine? When the emperor gave him a new body of metal, did his heart become a cold steel as well? There was nothing left of Anakin Skywalker, only an empty shell to form the beginning of Darth Vader. His voice was not even his own.

The old Sith Lord was standing besides him. Anakin recognized the shadowy face with those vengeful red eyes glaring into what was left of his weeping soul. "How are you feeling, my apprentice?" Questioned the emperor sullenly.

"Padamé...where is she?" Was all Anakin could implore at the moment. He cared about nothing more. "Is she...alright?"

The answer he received he could not react to well. It just...did not make any sense whatsoever..."I'm afraid you killed her."

The grey room shook violently and Darth Vader forced himself off the silvery slab he was strapped down to. "What?! I felt her! She was alive! I did not- I-!" Snapping of metal chains echoed as his bonds twisted and broke from his profound, new superior strength.

"But you did," the old Sith countered, beneath his shadow a smirk curved into his ancient lips, "she is _dead_."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The room now almost fell completely apart in Anakin's wrath. And all this time, Emperor Palpatine cackled. Over his rage, Darth Vader could not hear the old Sith and thankfully or Darth Sidious' plans would have never prevailed.

**-presently-**

Strolling, Darth Vader finally arrived to the dinning part of the Emperor's building. The room was blank and illy decorated. The only splendorous thing in the dull room was the view of the thriving city through the window, flooding light into dark, casting eerie shadows. The dining table had nothing upon it but empty, shiny platters and a dainty cloth masking the identity and form of the table itself.

Seeing as Palpatine was not there nor any one else of that matter, he turned on his robotic heel to leave. Angrily flustered by his master's absence for he was the one of who had said it was most urgent that he meet him here, was not clearly present. It wasted his precious time, and in those few minutes he lost, he could find many other helpful and productive things to do. Hmp. How rude...

"Shacka towa! Sha bam blam bling!" Darth Vader stopped as he heard a high pitched voice scream in the language of gibber. "What... ?" He turned slowly to the direction of the sound. Yet again he was to find that the room was completely empty. Well, there was only a large wheel of cheese at the center of the table on an elegant silver platter but nothing out of the ordinary. Turning to leave once more, he went as far as the door when he was disrupted by that annoying voice again. Except that it...sang...

"And we will live TOGETHEEEEER! Until the twelfth of NEVEEEEER! Our voices will ring FOREVEEEER as ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Enough of this!" _BRSSSSING_! Pulling out his lightsaber, Darth Vader turned back around to face the room yet again. This time he knew it was not his mind playing tricks on him, although he could not sense any presence of any living being, he knew something had to be lurking, amok in the still atmosphere with dark intentions. Stalking the room, the only sound was his deep, mechanical breathing and heavy footfall accompanied by the occasional humming of his weapon. He first skirted the table, and as he turned the corner the high voice's shouts pierced his perceiving ears a third time.

"You didn't sing the rest of the chorus with me! How could you?"

A sudden impact forced Darth Vader to the floor, knocking aside his lightsaber. What had attacked him, he had not known. "Show yourself!" Something had ruptured in his back and his eyes forcefully shut themselves, allowing him to see nothing. Let the kidnapping begin!


	5. Windu is a good hors d'oeurve

**-Rise an' Shine sleeping beauty!-**

Awakening to an oddly croaked humming noise, he felt the remnants of the non-metallic parts of his body ache with a deep, gnawing passion._ (OM nom NOM)_ Anakin's harsh breathing could be heard above the hideous humming, masked by machine. Still, he felt no presence of life and extending his arm, the lightsaber was absent as well.

The room of which he now laid in, must I say, most awkwardly, was now different. From his unusual position, seemingly he could only glare at the ceiling, he appeared to be in a...kitchen? Various pots of indifferent sizes and makers hung aloft high above, still in the surprising calm atmosphere.

The humming had quickly ceased itself with a abrupt gasp and a familiar high pitched voice cried out, "crap shoot! It's awake! I must kill it!" There was next a loud clatter as something scuffled around.

Yes well, Darth Vader could not directly see this because he was inside a large, shiny, silver bowl with his limbs strangely flung about himself. All he knew was after this, he would definitely visit the chiropractor.

A well rounded, dull spoon was sudden flown at his face, bashing itself forcefully against his helmet like mask. The high pitched voice commenced again screeching with each bang of the notorious metals clashing together, "die! Die! Die now! Die! Die I said! _DIEEEEEEEEEEE_!"

"Would you cut that out?" He responded to the thwacking of the horrifying spoon. Such a lethal weapon...

The round wheel of cheese Anakin had previously remembered upon the silver plater was now atop the rim of the impeccably large bowl that held him in its bowels. Pulling out long kitchen shears, the cheese asked, most confused, "Ok. What do ya want me to cut?"

"It is a figure of speech you incompetent FOOL! Do you know _nothing_?"

"Am I supposed to?" The cheese implored quizzically. Vader, at this statement brought his gloved hand to his masked face, smacking himself while at the same time, hiding his eyes and thoroughly annoyed emotion, or at least, he _tried_ to hide it. (Face palm!)

With a quick, aggravated, and mechanical sigh, Anakin moved towards more important and pressing matters at the moment. "Just where am I exactly? And what may I be in? Why do you use a kitchen utensil against me?"

"Your in a kitchen!" White cheddar replied rather excitedly, "I'm gonna bake you into a pie!"

"WHAT?"

"Yes, yes indeed. It shall be a Jedi flavored pie. The most delicious of its kind."

Now Anakin could cunningly evade the cheese. With a wry smile curling into his lips, that of which was covered by the dark helm he wore, stating oh so slyly he corrected white cheddar in its strange arrogance, "Ah, but see, I am not a Jedi. I am a Sith! And I shall rule the galaxy! A dairy product like you will never cross paths for me, else your end shall be at my maroon lightsaber!"

"I know..." The cheese gave a soft sigh before it's high pitched voice reached it's excited velocity as beforehand. "That's why I am adding some Windu! For _zest!_"

Utterly perturbed, Darth Vader announced profoundly, "Windu is not a spice you grow! He is a good man and a Jedi master! Well, perhaps he once was before his passing..."

"I'm not dead yet, Anakin, do not be jumping the gun now..." A familiar voice could be heard from not too far outside the bowl.

"Master Windu?!" Exclaimed Darth Vader in almost a rejoice, for the sound of the voice had returned to him a memory. A many good memories at that.

With a solemn prolonged sigh, there was a rattle as in the bowl next to him, Mace Windu steadied himself leaning over the rim to gaze upon Anakin, that of which he was, what he has become, and of what he will be. Darth Vader.

"That I am. My, you have changed, whether it is a good one, I believe that is not so. Anakin, what have you done? Why have you forsaken the Jedi? Peacekeepers of all worlds and races? Why have you broken the peace we so bled and fought for?"

With no words coming to his hidden lips, Darth Vader did not want to answer the inquiry of his past colleague. He had not the heart. For it was made of a cold metal as was the remnants of his body. "Cook him!" He declared to the cheese.

Whipping the spoon about in a wild fashion, white cheddar swung the utensil directly at the old Jedi master's bare forehead with a loud _THUNK_. "_HIYAAAH_!" Plummeting back into his own silver bowl, Mace fell. At his impact the bowl spun knocking into the cabinets behind him. "TOUCHDOWN!" Screeched the talking dairy product with sheer wicked delight, "_Bwahahhhahahah_!" The odd attack left master Windu unconscious.

"However did you find him?" Question Darth Vader after such sudden events. Using a voice as if to tell a long tale, the cheese began by inhaling a brave breath.

"Well, when I was walking down the street there was a loud bang and screaming then _POOF_! That bald guy squashed me! It was not fun, let me tell you that... I was all like 'who do you think you are buddy? You need a license to jump outta windows' and OOoo! He was all fried and burnt up too! You need another license for_ Friday Frying Disco_ so I checked 'em and he no sort of identifications! I was gonna report him for '_after hour usage of salad_ _dressings_', when I realized Mace Windu makes a good appetizer before the cannoli plate! So I put him in an empty potato sack and took him to this place!"

"That made no sense whatsoever, I hope you know, dear cheese."

The cheese contemplated for a grave moment that seemed a little less determined, "yeah, I know I told you before Windu makes a good zest, but in all honesty, he's quite lucious before a cannoli if you ask me. By the way have you ever tried the-"

"Ever tried the _what_?" Imploring rather quizzically, Anakin's questioned would never be answered. Using the spoon once more, the cheese as well knocked the Sith out just as it had done to master Windu. It's last words were a profound "This!" _THWACK_. Metal striking upon metal as Darth Vader's head was forced backwards into the bowl. _TWANG_. The cheese had a rather unusual, dark plot for the two. Frightening it may seem.

**-say what? There's no suspicious activity here...-**

_*Ominous chanting in the background, "Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you! Doom on you!"*_


End file.
